This morning – around 1 a.m. – I thought of at least ten things I needed to add to my to-do list.
Now that I’m more normally awake, I can’t think of a single one.
How truly important were these things to do? Apparently important enough to keep me from sleeping, but not important enough to remember now that I’m upright and walking around in my day.
I’ve been thinking a lot about resilience, specifically my ability to live – and live well – under pressure. Is it possible? Is it possible to stay sane despite bucketloads of stress? Is serene even a real word?
Sometimes life bends, twists, pokes, and stretches us just this side of our limits and still, we get up and do it all again and again, day after day. I’m thinking about my personal threshold. Feeling around for the line. Fearful I’ll cross it one day and pay the consequences.
I’m sure they’re expensive, those consequences.
So how much resilience did I use up in 2015? Can it be restored or do we each have an allotment? Once it’s gone … good luck? Is resilience held in reserve for when we really and truly need it most? Can I gather it up around me like a child’s protective blanket when stress comes knocking at my door in the middle of the night?
Or Is becoming more resilient a choice? Some sort of faithful trust that I’ll be able to handle whatever comes my way?
Faith’s always been a bit of a challenge for me. I’m more apt to work harder or try again when life gets a little overwhelming and difficult. Sometimes my refusal to accept defeat – of any kind – is my greatest and most stubborn strength.
Clearly I have more questions than I know how to answer and lots more thinking to do. Sitting here after a long-ish vacation from the regular day-to-day, I feel strong and capable. I’m rested. Ready to contemplate these questions.
And hopeful I’ll find my own truths to answer them.